how to be a presidential candidate’s least best friend

inflated or true: allegations of 13 years of unrequited leg humping
inflated or true: allegations of 13 years of unrequited leg humping
© 2011 Dave Weinberg

Freeport, Maine. The Cain campaign received yet another blow today when an inflatable cartoon balloon dog alleged a 13 year non-reciprocal leg-humping relationship with presidential hopeful, Herman Cain. The otherwise non-descript K-9 caricature, seemingly penned in by corrugated cardboard fencing at a local Shaw’s supermarket was compelled to step forward following Monday’s assertion of a 13 year consensual affair by Ginger White.

The blow-up pup who refused to provide his name, claims the first incident occurred 13 years ago while Mr. Cain was CEO of the National Restaurant Association. “I was a prototype mascot for a new concept fast food chain when Herman and I first met. The developers met periodically with Herman and invariably I found myself gravitating towards Herman’s right leg”.

While Mr. Cain acknowledges encountering the balloon, he dismissed the alleged leg humping incidents as random static electricity. “It is not uncommon to rub a balloon back and forth against a wall only to discover it suddenly seems to ‘magically stick to things'”. Mr. Cain asserts that this is just another ridiculous example of “another character coming out of the woodwork trying to make something stick”.

“In no way did I display any reciprocal behavior to the balloon.”

Investigators are still trying to determine what happened to the pilot restaurant which folded before ever opening and how the apparent puppy mascot became a holiday retail item for the New England, based Shaw’s supermarket chain.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *